single at 26

so here i am, about to turn 26 within a matter of weeks. this blog will soon no longer exist (i'll most likely be creating a new one) because gav25 no longer applies.

there was a time.. no wait... there were times over and over again when i agonised over why i still hadn't found a lover yet. i blamed it on the fact that i have no gay friends. i blamed it on the fact that i lived too far from people. i blamed it on my looks, my health, my job, my car, everything. and after attempting to fix each of these one by one i'm still here where i've always been: single.

i've heard all the romantic lies. that it "will happen" when you "least expect it". or that i'm too picky, or whatever. some people think i'm craving for attention and reassure me of my looks or whatever ...

for a good amount of time, and even up to now, i've reached a sense of peace with myself. i've accepted that some of us do find love, others just don't. it's not a formula you have to follow - it's just luck. being in the right place at the right time, meeting that someone and making the connection. it's an organic process. you can't make it happen. you can't influence it to happen. you just can't.

by making our minds consumed about saerching for someone we create an image of the type of guy we would like. being a guy, and hence a very visual person, we see guys in our day to day lives and think "yeah he's hot i'd like him". with this we create expectations, and with expectations we create a type of signature of what we're after and try to chase after that. by doing this we filter out anyone good that might come in the way. we might meet someone who isn't our "type" and cast them aside as we filter out anyone who doesn't fit the mental image of the person we are after. but what if that person was the exact queue to lead us to meeting someone through him/her?

i had a date with a guy 2 weeks ago. he was lovely and i thought how wonderful it would be to have him as a friend. but this wasn't going to happen. the result of the date is that he liked me, but i didn't feel the same way back to him. though i wanted to keep the connection there i knew it would be unfair to him. i of all people know the dangers of being friends with someone you have strong feelings for, and if there was the smallest of chances he would end up like that with me then i just couldn't do that to him. the fact that we had a "date" was already an artifical set up to begin with. add to this that we both walked in with a certain expectation (disguised as hope) of what sort of chemistry we'd have for each other.

i blogged before about how it seems to be a universal truth that if we say that we want something and go around telling everyone that it'll almost certainly never happen. if you say to your friends "i'm going to wake up every morning at 6 and go work out" then you've failed right away and it's definiately not going to last very long. i often wondered why, but now i think i've cracked it. by telling other people what we're going to do we're putting an expectation on ourselves and casting aside anything else that might come in the way that'll make us reach our goals. you might walk past an ad for joining a sport team, or a discount on swimming lessons or something that'll give you the same the same level of fitness you're after, but you'll probabaly ignore it because you're consumed with remembering to wake up early the next day, and therefore making sure you sleep early tonight, and making sure you eat right, and .... etc.

i'm single, yes. and i'll admit that there are times when i hate this fact because i feel as if i'm missing out on so much in life: the imtimacy, the highs, the lows, the sex, the fights, the feeling of being taken care of, the feeling of looking after someone. but like i said earlier: i've reached a peace with myself, because mostly i feel as if it's just not me right now. i'm single and that's it.