so this might be the end

i have lived too long in fear, denial and unhappiness. i decided a few days ago that this needs to stop.

what makes a man is not how his body looks, or how he measures up among others, or how wealthy he is, or all that other vain bullshit. i have come to realise that the goals i've set for myself are a lie and there are some lessons i needed to learn on my own.

people learn things differently. some learn things quickly, some need to take a different path. i've walked a long path (i'm talking years) to reach the place where i am. and where i am is the realisation that i have a bit more to do before i can accept myself as a man.

i've come a long way since i started this blog. truely, i can say that at the start (the end of 2005) i was a confused youth coming out of his shell. i couldn't stand in the company of other guys without feeling lesser. i felt inferior in every way. whether it be my body, my height, the colour of my skin, my accent, or my bank account, i felt like i needed to work on things to make myself stand up and look at society in its face. i felt as if i had no story to tell and that i was insignificant.

it's changed. i have changed.

i haven't written in this blog for a while now, and when i do it's at a much less frequency than i used to. and this is because my mind's torn between what i want to say and what i should say. it's also because i know that what i want to write will make me sound weak, and will only illicit comments reassuring me that i'm alright - which actually makes me feel even lesser.
there are things i need to learn and apply before i can stand on my own two feet and truly call myself a man. and i've reached a point where i have finally learnt to let go of the false promises i've held on to all these years and can pave the path to finally being comfortable in my own skin. right now this is more important to me than anything else.

this blog has helped me with a lot of things in my life these past two years. and so too (more importantly) have the commenters. whether i continue on with another blog is uncertain. but if i do i hope it sings a different tone: the tone of a guy who doesn't constantly complain about how he's got it bad, or how he needs to improve on things, but of a man with no fear who is comfortable in his skin, able to tell a story of the beauty life is.

i'll be turning 26 this sunday. and with that day, gav25 will no longer be maintained. life must move on. maybe there'll be another blog, maybe not.