gav25

so this might be the end

2007-12-11T23:36:00.000+11:00

i have lived too long in fear, denial and unhappiness. i decided a few days ago that this needs to stop.

what makes a man is not how his body looks, or how he measures up among others, or how wealthy he is, or all that other vain bullshit. i have come to realise that the goals i've set for myself are a lie and there are some lessons i needed to learn on my own.

people learn things differently. some learn things quickly, some need to take a different path. i've walked a long path (i'm talking years) to reach the place where i am. and where i am is the realisation that i have a bit more to do before i can accept myself as a man.

i've come a long way since i started this blog. truely, i can say that at the start (the end of 2005) i was a confused youth coming out of his shell. i couldn't stand in the company of other guys without feeling lesser. i felt inferior in every way. whether it be my body, my height, the colour of my skin, my accent, or my bank account, i felt like i needed to work on things to make myself stand up and look at society in its face. i felt as if i had no story to tell and that i was insignificant.

it's changed. i have changed.

i haven't written in this blog for a while now, and when i do it's at a much less frequency than i used to. and this is because my mind's torn between what i want to say and what i should say. it's also because i know that what i want to write will make me sound weak, and will only illicit comments reassuring me that i'm alright - which actually makes me feel even lesser.
there are things i need to learn and apply before i can stand on my own two feet and truly call myself a man. and i've reached a point where i have finally learnt to let go of the false promises i've held on to all these years and can pave the path to finally being comfortable in my own skin. right now this is more important to me than anything else.

this blog has helped me with a lot of things in my life these past two years. and so too (more importantly) have the commenters. whether i continue on with another blog is uncertain. but if i do i hope it sings a different tone: the tone of a guy who doesn't constantly complain about how he's got it bad, or how he needs to improve on things, but of a man with no fear who is comfortable in his skin, able to tell a story of the beauty life is.

i'll be turning 26 this sunday. and with that day, gav25 will no longer be maintained. life must move on. maybe there'll be another blog, maybe not.

downer

2007-11-29T15:31:00.000+11:00

god i feel so depressed.

it's really a frustrating feeling when you've been putting so much energy into something, tyring your best at it only to come out feeling like you've pretty much ended up back to square one.

there's a goal i've had for a while now. i've tried almost everything. and i've put so much effort into achieving this goal. well i've now stopped. i've momentarily stopped caring and i've accepted defeat ... for now. instead, i've started asking, rethinking, reprioritising.

i guess it's been conditioned within me to work hard to the goals i want. it's worked before for other things but in this case it looks like this just can't happen. all the effort i've been putting into this has amounted to nothing and i'm so frustrated right now i could pull my own hair out.

i've taken a step back and taken a look at how far i've gone with it all. and i can see where i've gone wrong this whole time. if i could use an analogy, it's like i want the trophy for being the world's best swimmer, but don't actually enjoy swimming.

thoughts eating my mind

2007-11-24T10:03:00.000+11:00

i caught up with my dad a while back. he often amuses himself with memories of my childhood, the simple things i used to say when i was a toddler. things such as when i'd complain about how my mind would be "talking me too much." and that no matter what i did i couldn't make it be quiet. i would have been 5 years old at the time.

i often have moments when my mind's flooded with negative, angry thoughts. they won't be anything relevant - they could be childhood memories of being bullied, a fight i had a few years ago, an argument, anything. i don't know why my thoughts keep magnetising to such negativity, but when i'm in the thick of it it's like my mind wants to replay these events over and over again, forcing me into a pit of depression until i'm mentally exhausted. it could be when i'm trying to sleep or when i'm walking to work or anytime when i'm ... not meant to be thinking of anything at all.

i wish there was a way of switching my thoughts off. or even better, to switch them instantly to something positive. or at least being able to be aware of where my thoughts are heading. but that's kinda of impossible because i'll have to be conscious about my consciousness. does that make any sense?

the challenge is that when my thoughts are fixed on one type of emotion, whether it be anger or lust or whatever else, the thought of changing it to grasp on another emotion seems impossible. when i'm pissed off about something it's hard to remember a time when i was happy and shift down that path instead. it's like i'm pissed off and i want to stay pissed off. it's like if i let go of being pissed off then i'm somehow leaving business unfinished.

i think that many thoughts work this way. when they latch onto an emotion, logic seems incredibly hard to use. when we're feeling happy we want to remain happy. when we're pissed off it feels strangely correct to seek more things that keep us pissed off. when we're in lust, logic suddenly seems like a foreign language. i guess it's an outlet. we need an outlet for emotions and stopping it short just seems like, as i said, "unfinished business".

what if i make a list of the things that make me happy - the positive things that have happened to me, the good things i currently have and the good things i am working towards. maybe if i remember these i can focus on them when i'm losing sleep over an argument i had with my family 5 years back. will this work?

i guess i should probably be asking myself why is it that i keep having these negative thoughts that consume me for hours. why is it that i struggle to think of happiness? why is it so easy for my mind to dive into the past and snatch all these angry, tired and overplayed memories? have i somehow made this an instinctive thing?

who knows. but while i'm losing sleep over it, it's a big deal for me.

single at 26

2007-11-22T13:55:00.000+11:00

so here i am, about to turn 26 within a matter of weeks. this blog will soon no longer exist (i'll most likely be creating a new one) because gav25 no longer applies.

there was a time.. no wait... there were times over and over again when i agonised over why i still hadn't found a lover yet. i blamed it on the fact that i have no gay friends. i blamed it on the fact that i lived too far from people. i blamed it on my looks, my health, my job, my car, everything. and after attempting to fix each of these one by one i'm still here where i've always been: single.

i've heard all the romantic lies. that it "will happen" when you "least expect it". or that i'm too picky, or whatever. some people think i'm craving for attention and reassure me of my looks or whatever ...

for a good amount of time, and even up to now, i've reached a sense of peace with myself. i've accepted that some of us do find love, others just don't. it's not a formula you have to follow - it's just luck. being in the right place at the right time, meeting that someone and making the connection. it's an organic process. you can't make it happen. you can't influence it to happen. you just can't.

by making our minds consumed about saerching for someone we create an image of the type of guy we would like. being a guy, and hence a very visual person, we see guys in our day to day lives and think "yeah he's hot i'd like him". with this we create expectations, and with expectations we create a type of signature of what we're after and try to chase after that. by doing this we filter out anyone good that might come in the way. we might meet someone who isn't our "type" and cast them aside as we filter out anyone who doesn't fit the mental image of the person we are after. but what if that person was the exact queue to lead us to meeting someone through him/her?

i had a date with a guy 2 weeks ago. he was lovely and i thought how wonderful it would be to have him as a friend. but this wasn't going to happen. the result of the date is that he liked me, but i didn't feel the same way back to him. though i wanted to keep the connection there i knew it would be unfair to him. i of all people know the dangers of being friends with someone you have strong feelings for, and if there was the smallest of chances he would end up like that with me then i just couldn't do that to him. the fact that we had a "date" was already an artifical set up to begin with. add to this that we both walked in with a certain expectation (disguised as hope) of what sort of chemistry we'd have for each other.

i blogged before about how it seems to be a universal truth that if we say that we want something and go around telling everyone that it'll almost certainly never happen. if you say to your friends "i'm going to wake up every morning at 6 and go work out" then you've failed right away and it's definiately not going to last very long. i often wondered why, but now i think i've cracked it. by telling other people what we're going to do we're putting an expectation on ourselves and casting aside anything else that might come in the way that'll make us reach our goals. you might walk past an ad for joining a sport team, or a discount on swimming lessons or something that'll give you the same the same level of fitness you're after, but you'll probabaly ignore it because you're consumed with remembering to wake up early the next day, and therefore making sure you sleep early tonight, and making sure you eat right, and .... etc.

i'm single, yes. and i'll admit that there are times when i hate this fact because i feel as if i'm missing out on so much in life: the imtimacy, the highs, the lows, the sex, the fights, the feeling of being taken care of, the feeling of looking after someone. but like i said earlier: i've reached a peace with myself, because mostly i feel as if it's just not me right now. i'm single and that's it.

calmer

2007-10-13T20:15:00.002+10:00

i've noticed a fundamental change in myself over the last few months. i'm a lot more calmer. i don't know what started this, but i've suddenly realised that the way i've been acting in certain situations is very different to the way i was.

in one way, i feel like i'm a little more wiser, more mature than before. on the other hand, it's a sobering feeling because it means that i've become just that little bit more older.

i can't explain it. there are examples i could give, but it's hard to describe it in words because it's more of how i feel rather than any descriptions of events.

i can see myself talking to people without feeling like i have to say something or that i need to speak/act a certain way. i am mostly myself at work (apart from my sexual identity) and feel no need to put on a face. i'm not stressed about not being able to catch up with friends. i'm not stressed about not "doing something right now" about the goals i have.

in a way it's a weird feeling being this way because the thoughts that normally pollute my mind that make me such a stressed out guy have reduced, and it's like i suddenly have this unfamiliar calm that's alien to me.

as i write this it's a saturday night and i have no plans whatsoever. normally i'd be freaking out.

right now i'm just... calm.

monday on the beach

2007-10-04T08:09:00.000+10:00

i was with my friend christian on monday afternoon at a beach. we drove down with two more of my friends to Thirull beach, which is south of sydney in the beautiful city of Wollongong.

we sat there on the rocks, on the beach, hot winds sweeping out faces, the both of us soaking up the beginnings of summer. we chatted away about life and stuff - where we're headed, what out goals are, and so on. i mentioned the events that have taken place in my life recently to him: events that have made me rethink what my moral standings are.

it was a refreshing conversation, because i realised that at my core I am and always will be the person i am. trying to "fit in" by presenting a lie just for the sake of getting something will never work for me.

i am gay, not straight. yes i'm masculine but that doesn't mean i need to pretend to fit into the hetrosexual identity so that i can get further in my career. i want to feel love, not sleep around. over the past few months I've had one or two "adventures" but i feel less of a person for it. i want to come home to someone and know that i am his and that he is mine. i hate the gay stereotype. i want to be different in every way i can. sometimes this makes me judgemental, but i learn from my mistakes.

i'm not comfortable in my skin just yet. i still have issues with self-confidence, self-esteem, my social abilities, and the fact that i more-often-than-not find myself acting like a "people pleaser". but if i had all of that right now then life would just be plain boring. adventure is good. learning is good.

well it's ironic that i was sitting there and talking about these things to christian, because not far from where we were sitting were shad and raj. shad and i used to talk like this all those years back when we were in out late-teens/early 20s. we'd go for long drives, chill out and just talk like this for hours - about life, where we're headed, our dreams, our hopes.

life's funny.

a question on morals

2007-09-25T21:35:00.001+10:00

i situation occurred a while back where both me and a friend liked this guy. and we both knew each other liked him. but i backed off because i cared more for about my friend than some guy i had a crush on. this happened again later with another guy, and with no sympathy from my friend either. i'm not sure what i was meant to learn from this: that when it comes to singledom and chasing guys it's free for all, or that my so-called friend's just a dickhead who has no respect for our friendship. i'm going for the former argument, because if you're honest to your friend about liking the same guy then there shouldn't be any reason for, as they say, letting "the better man win".

i'm thinking back to the time this all happened and i'm starting to wonder whether my morals are really the things i stongly stand by, or whether they're just an escape for the possibility that i'm a pussy. my problem is that i let people step over me. i try time and time again to be the alpha-male with narcisstic lust yet fail because i'm inevitably a "people pleaser".

take this as an example: about 3 weeks ago my boss's boss came down from singapore. he only arrives in sydney about twice a year, so it was a big deal and i was really keen to impress him seeing as he's essentially my ticket to climbing up the corporate ladder. so we're out with the team drinking and bar-hopping, drunk as fuck. eventually there comes a point where it's just me, him and another guy from work and he suggests we go to a strip-club. i followed, but i was uneasy because that's not really my scene. forget the whole thing about not being hetro - i can blend in there, but i just wasn't comfortable for some reason. but i stayed (although very briefly) because i was trying to impress.

thinking back, had i been a better man i would have politely declined the invitation and went home. but then i would have kicked myself about not going, thinking that i would have missed out on an opportunity to bond with the boss.

my challenge is that i have morals i stand by that others don't seem to get. but i also need to confirm to myself whether these morals are what they are, or whether they're just a means for me to please people or feel "safe". and feeling "safe" is something i don't really want, because i've been playing "safe" my entire life and it's about time i took risks and explored a little bit. the problem with exploring is that it only takes one action to place you in a catagory: sleaze, drug-taker, slut, "like every other fag out there", etc.

no reboot required

2007-09-23T21:38:00.000+10:00

i'm not going to apologise. life just hasn't allowed me to make time to keep writing on this blog. things have happened, circumstances have changed, i'm a different person to who i was 6 months ago.

i've been thinking about doing (another) reboot here. aplogising for my absense and making promises that i'll start to write stuff now. or even starting a new blog elsewhere. i know now that none of this is going to happen. i'll just have to take this one post at a time and see how it goes.

so here goes ...

my neck is weak

2007-08-14T18:10:00.000+10:00

so after injuring myself during training the week before last week and still being in pain i thought it would be a good idea to finally go see a physio.

apparently my neck is fine in the sense that it's healed up. the only problem is that i need to move it around a bit to get it working in it's full range again.

oh, and the physio also commented that my neck is piss-weak, and that i really need to do these exercises she gave me to strengthen it up.

could these exercises be the key to that bull-neck i've always envied? awesome ...

bloody fate.

2007-08-03T19:14:00.000+10:00

so last time i whinged about not having enough time to do stuff. maybe i should have been a little bit more specific about how i want o find time rather than letting fate fuck things up the way it has a habit of doing so.

i was having a great night at training last night. i'm getting better and better at my tackles, passing, running, etc. i was taking on the big guys and it felt great. untill... snap. my neck sprained. ouch.

to make things worse, i was meeting up with Matt later. it's not very fun meeting a boy when your neck can hardly turn without making you wince in pain. i dropped him off after we had dinner and felt like shit because of how out-of-the-mood i was. and i won't be seeing him till monday because he'll be out of the city. if he's still interested, that is.

well back to the topic. about how fate fucks things up. my neck's fucked, which means i won't be training tonight, nor will i be playing tomorrow. yep, i'll be at home, sleeping in and, i dunno, doing household shit i guess.

all's not that bad i guess. i get monday off because it's a bank holiday.

struggling to get a grip

2007-08-02T11:32:00.000+10:00

i hate saying "i'm busy". but what do you do when you've got a million things you have to attend and you seem to have no control over things, no time to yourself, no choice in the matter?

i'm having an argument with a friend who thinks i've been ignoring him on purpose and i really don't know what to do or say. am i meant to apologise because i've been busy? does that even make sense?

right now i'm trying to balance work, training, house-hold chores, and at the same time i'm also trying to see a guy (i think) i'm dating, friends who are wondering where the fuck i've been and family that keeps yelling at me about how i apparently don't care about them.

the problem is that, over the past several weeks, i've lost control. i've decided that i have a problem when it comes to saying "no". when people want to catch up i just say "yes" and quickly scan my brain for anytime that i might have free, often at the cost of any relaxation time i might have. on that note, i can't remember the last time i truly relaxed as such. there's always a timer ticking at the back of my head.

i want to change this shit around. and to do that i guess i have to be specific to myself about what it is i want. i want to work at my job and kick arse in it. i'm going well but I know i can do a lot more. i want to reconnect with my inner geek and do my geeky programming things that i love doing. i want to come home and relax. i want to work out, play sport, eat well and feel healthy. i want good sleep every night. i want to spend quality time with my friends. i want to write in this blog ...

right now it all seems like i "have" to do shit. i have to make time to meet my friend who i haven't seen in ages. i have to visit two guys i met over last week who want to catch up with me. i have to go to a friend's birthday tomorrow night. i have to catch up with my friends from uni saturday night. i have to find time to do stuff ...

and when people bite back with comments implying that I'm a social butterfly, or that i've got such a busy social life it stings because i don't. the truth is that i'm just horribly disorganised.

my problem is that i need to say no to people and not feel horrendeously guilty about it. i guess this stems from the fact that i ususally don't have many friends, so whenever the opportunity arises where people want to see me i get hyperexcited and say yes without thinking.

needless to say, i can't fucking WAIT for this week to be over. i've got shit happening every fucking day where i have to be somewhere and do something. next week i'm returning back to normality. normal is good. i'm not coping well with chaos.

talking random crap

2007-07-27T18:03:00.000+10:00

what am i meant to write about when i have absolutely nothing substantial to write about? i have stuff floating in my head, but none of these "stuff" things are quite bodied enough to write about. they're just free-flowing half-thoughts that make up my intellect. i think.

random free-flowing thought #1:
i'm loving my job so far. it's kick-arse. my team's awesome to work with and i'm looking forward to going to work every-day. no joke. one interesting thing is that since i've started working at my new job i've steadily started taking up coffee. it's not really my choice because when everyone in my team ducks out for a caffine hit there's little i can do. but hey i'm slowly starting to enjoy it.

random free-flowing thought #2:
i'm thinking of quitting rugby. it's been in my mind for a while now. i still need to give it more thought. when i get a moment to myself i'll be thinking about what it is i want form it and why i joined to begin with and decide whether it's worth continuing.

random free-flowing thought #3:
i'm loving living in pyrmont right now. it's HOT! it totally kicks arse and shits all over north sydney.

final thought: thank GOD it's friday!

hibernate

2007-07-23T22:04:00.000+10:00

it's amazing how much good sleep can affect your day.

i know it's obvious, and we all know the importance of sleep to health, etc. but it still strikes me as amazing how much of an effect a good night's rest has on my mood.

i was feeling pretty shitty and stressed towards the end of last week (notice my absense here) because i had a lot of things on my plate. my world kinda reflected the way my mind was heading: my room was messy, i ate shitty take-away, i was running out of time and i was tired.

but then during the weekend i kept it quiet and did the not-so-hectic stuff: met up with a friend, went for a drive, etc, and slept rediculously early (by my standards) on sunday night. needless to say, today i felt alive, awake, able to concentrate, and on top of the world.

i like this whole "shutting the whole world out and hibernating" thing. i think i might need to do it more often.

slowly returning back to normality

2007-07-16T18:46:00.000+10:00

it's day 1 of what is hopefully starting to finally become a normal, steady life

i guess craziness is good at times because it makes life interesting. i mean, i never thought i'd visit 2 countries in the span of 5 weeks, change jobs, move house, and do all sorts of other crazy shit.

but during this time i was looking forward to today, becuase today is when i don't have anything planned that's suddenly coming up. i can go to work, i can focus on my life, i can focus on steadiness.

i know this is gonna sound boring to most people, but today i went to work at my 9-5 job, i came home, i blogged, i'm going to the gym after this and i'm lovin every bit of it.

so where the hell have i been?

2007-07-15T21:56:00.000+10:00

let's just say that life's been a little bit hectic lately. for the last 5 to 6 weeks i've suffered from the worst flu infection i've ever had, found a new job, moved to a new apartment (NOT a small task!), went to india to visit family, went to new zealand to snowboard, and much more.

i can't express how glad i feel that life's now finally returned to some sense of regularity. hopefully, this also means that i can start blogging again.

decisions

2007-05-28T10:14:00.000+10:00

my life's suddenly become a little more twisted and hectic.

from my previous posts you'll know that i'll be staring a new job. this is going to throw a spanner in the works, because it now means that i won't be travelling to the US later this year anymore. I'd planned on visiting south america, the US, and canada for a while now, but the new job is too good an opportunity to fuck up.

because I'm starting a new job i need to move out somewhere closer to it. but i'm kinda pressured to do this quickly because my rent is going up by $20 as of the end of next month. personally, i feel as if i'm paying way too much rent anyway, so even a dollar increase is not good enough for me. and i no longer have any need to live in north sydney so it's going to be a slight waste of money paying the amount of rent i'm currently paying (it's a lot) and not making the best use of it.

the frustration of finding a new place to stay in is as touch as it always has been - but with the added difficulty that rent prices have gone up in sydney in general. and because i want to start saving money i've decided to move in with someone. therein comes the delemma of whether i'm meant to disclose my sexuality or not. i don't see why i have to. it's not like i bring anything particularly stereotypically gay with me. and it's already difficult enough to find a share because I'm male (people seem to prefer women).

well, while this is all going on i need to somehow also take a week off to visit india. my granddad's not doing too well and my dad wants me to go visit him. personally, i don't want to becuase if i go to india to visit the relos i want to do it properly by going for a good few weeks so that i can see everyone. that, and i want to get this hectic transition period of moving places/jobs out of the way and settle down a bit before i complicate things more by travelling (how are potential flatmates meant to contact me while i'm overseas?). but my visit to india is long overdue. i haven't visited them in years because i've always shyed off due to the enormous differences between me and my relos. i'm talking language, culture, mannerisms, everything here. but it's my family in the end. and as astranged as i feel towards them they still are family.

speaking of family, my sister had her engagement party on saturday. on that same day, while me and my dad were going to get the food for the event we had a crash. nothing serious - it's just that this guy bumped us from behind while we were waiting at the pedestrian crossing. my car's completely fucked up at the back and now we have to go through the whole insurance thing. bah! complications.

by the way, i've recovered from the flu (finally). not goin through that again.

don't say it if you mean it

2007-05-22T21:02:00.000+10:00

there's this fundamental law in this universe that i can never seem to disprove. i don't know what to call it, but it's there and i see it through my own experiences countless times as well as in others. it's basically this: if you want something, don't tell others, otherwise it'll never happen.

a friend once told everyone he was going on a health kick. he told us all that he was planning on waking up at 6 every morning to go to the gym. he failed. in fact, i think he only ever got up that early even once during that time.

i really, REALLY wanted to learn how to surf last summer. i went on a learn-to-surf camp, bought a board, and told friends that i was getting into the sport. friends kept asking me how the surfing was going, but it never really worked out. now it's winter and i've pretty much given up.

i had an interview for a fantastic job a few months back. it would've been the ultimate computer-geek job working for a fantastic company with state-of-the-art equipment, etc. i started telling people about the interview process once i'd reached the 3rd interview (each interview was 3 hours long - i'm not kidding). but after i'd told everyone, i failed the next interview. in fact, i failed spectacularly in a way i shouldn't have. but i did. consequently, i just received a new job for another company. but with this company i told very, VERY few people and avoided the subject altogether. and i got the job. wtf?

basically what i'm getting at is that when you really want something, it's like some sort of rule the universe has where if you start telling people your likeliness of getting that thing demishes greatly. i can't explain it, and i've silently tried to disprove it thinking that it's just bullshit superstitition.... but it's TRUE dammit. call me superstitious but i believe it now. you can only ignore recurring shit so many times.

but why is it so? why is it that it seems that we're not allowed to share to others what we're hoping to achieve? why can't we announce that we're, as an example, feeling confident in a job interview we're going through, or that we're planning on being fit and built by september, or that we're going to learn how to cook asian, or learn a new language or whatever? is it because by announcing such things to the public are we are silently creating expectations within ourselves of what we are trying to achieve which in turn makes us nervous about the possibility of looking like failures should we not achieve it? by telling others, are we forcing ourselves to hope for something because we instinctly don't really want that thing in the first place or don't believe in ourself?

i have dreams. i have a few things i want to achieve. now call me superstitious, but from now on i'm not going to tell anyone of these dreams. i'm going to keep them silent and keep my head down. if something good happens to me, you'll hear it once it's happened, not when i'm waiting for it to happen.

almost there!

2007-05-22T09:12:00.000+10:00

i'm slowly getting there. the anti-biotics have finished and i'm about 80% recovered. usually it's the remaining 20% that annoyingly lingers on for another week or so. i'm hopeful that this won't be the case, and that i'll be able to get out and fuckin DO STUFF sometime soon.

it's a terrible feeling being sidelined like this. i want to do so much out of life right now but i can't because i have to sit here in lockdown. but i guess that's what sickness is: your body telling you that you just need time out.

gimme back my money, bitch!

2007-05-19T13:02:00.000+10:00

i hate blockbuster video at Crowsnest. they're a bunch of whores who've slapped me with late fines so many times in the past when i could've sworn i was on time.

well i realised that i haven't really borrowed any videos lately (i'm talking months), and that there's a video store closer to where i live in McMahon's Point (and yes, it's another fucking blockbuster). so i went there last night to cheer myself up while i'm in my sad, sick state by getting a DVD to watch. i borrowed happy feet. it was ok, i guess. maybe i should stop expecting every animation to be as good as finding nemo. and what is it with american movies using really cliched aussie accents? we don't all say "TOO RIGHT!", ok?

well anyways today i realised that borrowing DVDs is just do damn expensive. 30 bucks deposit for membership, and then $7.50 for a new release. what the fuck? i might as well go get cable at home.

so i decided to go anti-DVD-borrowing. i went to blockbuster crowsnest, cancelled my membership and got my deposit back. (they gave me $100 cash on the spot. did i seriously put down that much as deposit? whatever ...) and then i went to the McMahon's point one and cancelled that too ($30 cash back).

so now i have money in my hands. and i don't have to deal with shifty blockbuster staff again. i'm happy.

now, if only this flu fucked off.

in search of chicken soup

2007-05-18T12:50:00.000+10:00

north sydney's a fucking disgrace. like NO-ONE sells chicken soup here.

if i'm sick i demand chicken soup. preferably the chinese kind, with sweet-corn and clouds of egg-white floating in it. mmmm......

so instead i got japanese miso ramen. yes i know - it's totally different and has nothing to do with anything, but that's the direction i was walking in and happened to be the impulsive thought i listened to while i was walking.

i bought panadol because i have a headache. except, i wanted something like asprin because i wanted it to dissolve in water. something about that dissolving effect makes me very very happy. so after explaining this to the chemist i ended up buying panadol rapid. it's totally me right now.

i'm tired again. goin to bed again.

you people bore me

2007-05-18T07:50:00.000+10:00

it seems like in the few blogs i follow these days nothing that interesting's been happening lately. why is this? can't you people understand that while i'm in this sick, bed-ridden state i need to read up on something interesting, saucy, and scandalous happening in your lives just to cheer me up? is that too much to ask?

ok so i might be going a little crazy. but this happens to me when i've been sick for this long and life just becomes a blur consisting of sleeping, taking meds, coughing, and being in pain.

i went to fucking work yesterday. yes it was increadibly stupid of me, but i had to. i felt guilty about not goin for 3 days, and and also had to resign. that's right folks, i resigned. well, actually, it's kinda good news, because i got a new job starting in 4 weeks. yay me! so just for the sake of sitting face to face with my boss to break the bad news i went through a whole day of work.

needless to say i'm at home now sipping this lemon and honey drink which i wish would never end. and i'm not going in into work today (again).

i wasted about 5 hours last night surfing youtube. it really felt like 1 hour because i didn't think i had that kinda of an attention span in my current state.

i'm tired now. i'll try writing some more. it's like.. the only thing i have to do right now. and no i refuse to watch australian daytime TV. *shudders*

day 3

2007-05-16T09:46:00.000+10:00

still feel like death. though i think i can walk to the shops this time without feeling like i'm about to collapse. i think.

this is going to be the third day i've called in sick to work. anyother time i would be stressing out about this, but right now i just don't have the capacity to feel certain things. i'm just tripping out on pain killers and cough-suppresants.

what i'd give just to be healthy again so that i can go for a jog or something. i hate resting and sleeping so much!

drug me up

2007-05-15T09:25:00.000+10:00

still sick, but i can see a slight improvement. i spent all day yesterday in bed sleeping and sweating in fever. i'm so fucked up right now i had to ask a friend to come over to bring me some food.

this flu seems to be going around quite a bit. and i think this is the strongest flu i've ever been hit with because i've never really been out of it to this extent. scary.

the meds are helping though. my doctor's one of those "i don't believe in anti-biotics" types, so i'm been hooked on pain-killers and cough-suppresants. rest and sleep should do the rest. needless to say, i'm greatful for my meds, because i'm coughing to the point where my entire body's aching.

i'm hoping i can get back to work tomorrow. i hate it when i have to call in sick ...

i'm sick

2007-05-14T09:56:00.000+10:00

i'm absolutely fucking gone right now.

i'm coughing non-stop, i can't walk without my head spinning, my ENTIRE body hurts, i have an intense headache, and i can' barely keep my eyes open.

to top it off, my landlord's comin over to inspect my place - which is a mess coz i'm too sick to clean up. and the doctor's not free for another 3 hours.

*groans*

shin splins

2007-05-11T11:54:00.000+10:00

so much for me feeling fitter and faster. i died at training last night because of this bruise-like pain i've got running straight down the front of my legs. Chris, one of my friends on the team who's also a nurse, says that i've got shin splins - which are tiny bone fractures.

it's not even like it's a propery injury like getting knocked or bruised. no, i have to put up with this pissy stinging painful feeling everytime i walk or run.

fit with cardio

2007-05-09T18:32:00.000+10:00

i feel like i'm probably the fittest i've ever been right now. and by that i mean cardio fit as opposed to weight-lifting fit, which is a big thing for me to accept because it's always been my dream to be fit in a muscular/bulky way.

where i'm at right now i've accepted that rugby isn't a natural sport for me (yet). and the only way i'll get anywhere is if i use what i have to my advantage. and that advantage is speed. my body is slim - i'll admit that now. as much as i want to be part of the centres (the guys closer to the action on the field) i'm doomed to be a wing (the guy that runs on the side) for a while. whatever. i've decided to stop whinging and work on this.

so i've been doing a good amount of cardio and sprint training recently, and i really do feel like i'm getting faster and faster each week, and less tired too. that can only be a good thing, right?

back here now

2007-05-09T18:27:00.000+10:00

i can't believe i was over at wordpress for 3 months! well anyways, i'm back here now. wordpress is nice, but there's something a little bit too sterile and professional about it. it didn't feel like i was writing a personal blog. it felt like i'm writing a professional blog.

so what's gav been up to? shit loads actually. i've been upto so much that i don't even know where to begin. so i won't, because it's just too much of a headache. instead, i'm going to just dive right into where i am now and move on.

stay tuned.

please update your bookmarks

2007-02-14T10:23:00.000+11:00

that's right, gav's moving to wordpress.

i'll be posting over at http://gav25.wordpress.com/ from now on.

i'll be leaving this blog where it is, and unless i end up hating the wordpress interface (unlikely) i won't really be maintaining it anymore.

apparently i mumble

2007-02-13T19:07:00.000+11:00

there are quite a lot of times when i'm in a social situation and it seems like the person i'm talking to is deaf only to me. there was this one time i remember when i was at a party and this guy was talking to me, but i had to repeat every single sentence twice because he couldn't understand what i said the first time.

i used to think that it was because my voice just wasn't loud enough: i never really spoke much as a kid (separate story) and growing up i'd always been the quiet one in the group. but i think it's actually because i mumble. apparently, i don't open my mouth enough when i talk.

i was catching up with a friend the other day and during our conversation there was this one instance where i had to repeat myself coz he didn't hear me properly. i repeated myself, then teased him jokingly saying that he was deaf. but then he started mocking me (or more precisely, mocking the way i spoke) implying that i mumble.

ok so at the time i didn't think too much of it and just laughed it off, but it's really got me all conscious about the way i talk now. do i really mumble? is that why i find myself in situations where people just can't understand me the first time? i guess it is. i guess i do mumle.

so now that i've identified one of the main causes of my social woes i'll obviously have to figure out what to do about it. how do i train myself to pronounce words more erm... "pronouncably"? i've got no idea right now. but it's funny how one small incident can suddenly put things in perspective:

i thought i wasn't loud enough: if i mumble, of course i'm gonna sound soft.

i thought i spoke too fast: if i mumble, of course i'm gonna speak fast.

i thought people didn't want to hear me: if i mumble they can't hear me

no plans

2007-02-10T08:42:00.000+11:00

today is saturday. i have no plans, no commitments, nothing, and i couldn't be happier.

i don't know if it's because of the long week i've had at work but i feel like i haven't had a peaceful saturday like this in a while. there's always something i have to do; some commitment i have to attend, some TODO list i have to tick off, something.

but not now. not today. i'm just going to chill out.

unclean

2007-02-08T09:08:00.000+11:00

when i was young (i'm talking maybe from the 2nd grade up) i had this strange thing about me. to this day i don't know why i did this and i was wondering if anyone can relate to this.

basically, whenever anyone touched me i'd feel like as if i was being attacked by germs. sounds stupid? there's more. initially i'd just brush off the part of my body where i was touched with my hand. later on, i remember having visual images in my mind about creatures actually entering my skin, which freaked me out. so if someone, say, touched my shoulder (or even casually bumped against it while lining up at school) i'd tense up in that area, then brush it off with my hand, and then blow on it. later, i'd even hold my breath till the count of ten coz i thought that the germs can't enter if i held my breath.

i did this constantly, and i couldn't control it. i did it EVERYTIME without fail whenever someone made contact with me. i don't think i can really explain how much this affected me socially and physically, nor can i explain how much pain this caused to my young mind. it wasn't even about touching. later on, it went further because i felt that "dirtiness" even if someone was standing either directly in front of me, or directly behind or directly sidewards. i remember being in a room full of other people and constantly forcing myself to hold my breath so that i could go to a quiet corner to get rid of all these germs and finally breathe properly.

i used to do this for years, but silently so that noone (i hope) noticed. this behaviour lasted right upto my early teens (i'm not kidding), and hadn't completely gone away till a few years ago. i even developed a spinal condition (scoliosis) because of the way i slept: my bed in the my old house was directly in line with my sister's bed in her room and my parents' bed in their room, so i tilted myself in an angle when i slept to avoid (as sad as this sounds) getting germs.

i'm a freak aren't i? i had other such strange things i'd do when i was a kid too (like if one of my fingers touched another then i'd have to touch that finger to all other fingers, or at this once stage where i had to say certain words twice). my dad noticed some of this and said i just had "bad habits". that's all it was called: "bad habits" when i was a kid. but it was more than that. i honestly couldn't control myself. i hated that feeling and i don't really think i can explain how fucked up it felt fighting with your own mind. you want to stop - but you can't. you just can't.

it just occurred to me recently that i stopped most of these "bad habits". some pop up every now n then, but it's involuntary, so if i notice myself doing it i can actually stop.

but why did i go through this? and for so many years? is this turrets syndrome? is ti compulsive obsessive disorder? what is it that made me feel so unclean? i might need a shrink later down the track to learn about all this, but there you have it: the freak that was me.

ikea

2007-02-06T22:16:00.000+11:00

ok, so i've had two ikea boxes lying in my apartment for almost a week now. it looks shitty having massive boxes lying around in any apartment, but i've been too lazy/busy to do anything about them. enough excuses! i might at least get started.

so i unpacked one of the boxes (the dining table) and after 40 mins i've managed to get a chair up. yep, that's right. after fighting with ikea's non-instructions, and then fighting with the ikea screws and ikea allen-keys, i get one fucking chair up.

i hate furniture. and i hate ikea even more.

on a brighter note, after almost 3 tiring days i finally have the my resume complete. i still need to get friends to proof read it (adrian's been kind enough to help me out). then, i need a basic cover letter template and i'm ready to start applying everywhere.

folks

2007-02-05T00:07:00.000+11:00

i spent the day at my folks. i haven't seen them in a while so it was good to be back home in the south relaxing, catching up with mum, dad and my younger sister.

my dad's been pressuring me to start investing in a property. i can see his logic in this because the property market's expected to get more challenging. he also wants me to learn start growing a strong financial base at a young age. however, i'm not feeling to comfortable about this.

i've never been able to argue against my dad. when i do (successfully), it feels like the most difficult thing ever. whenever he tries to convince me about something i somehow lose the ability to argue back even though i don't feel right while i'm agreeing with him.

he wants me to buy property. i don't want to put myself in debt to own a house right now. i'm young, i can move to a different apartment if i get sick of this one. i live right in the CBD where everything's nearby. i don't mind paying rent because i truely feel like it's worth it. if i buy a place i'm stuck there till i can find tenants. even then i'll still be paying off a mortgage which will take away the sense of freedom i have right now where i can, say, plan on travelling overseas if i wish.

i know what it's like to be in debt. i've been supporting my parents for years now and i'm also paying my car off. though some of my friends are astonished at how much i earn, the reality is that i don't have a lot of cash because of the amount that gets siphoned out just to keep a roof over my family's head. it's depressing to see cash come in to your bank account only to realise that half of it's not really yours.

the good thing is that if i buy a house i'll be eligible for the first home buyer grant. this and starting young are the two main reasons my dad wants me to get a property. being the career-driven dad he is, i can't really argue against him here. my only problem is that i don't feel stable right now. i'm only starting to enjoy the lifestyle i've got out of home now. i'm looking for a new job. i want to travel. should i really be getting into this property thing now if it's not in my heart, or should i wait a year? the problem with waiting is that the grant might not be there too long.

dammit dad, why are you always right?

kinda lost

2007-02-04T01:59:00.000+11:00

i'm feeling a little funny. i feel as if i should be happy, but i'm not.

i had a date with a guy this week. we got along like a house on fire. i saw him the second time and for some reason i completely lost that attraction i had for him. i asked him if it'd be cool it we stayed friends. he was ok with it, and i was relieved.

but i also feel a little shit.

i've been meaning to redo my resume so that i can start applying for new jobs. so far after a week of thinking about it i still haven't gotten around to finishing it. i'm either not motivated, or when i want to get onto it something comes up.

it's 2am right now. i just came back from going out with my friends to the city. i felt good about tonight: i was in a good mood and i was with my friends partying it up. but for some reason (approximately an hour ago) i felt this funny feeling. it was kinda like there was music around me and i just wasn't hearing it. there were friends around me but i just didn't know them. there was the vibe in the nightclub but i just wasn't feeling it. every part of my body was asking me to call it quits, leave and go home.

i'm home now. and i'm obviously being reflective. i'm being reflective about how much things have changed around me without realising it.

is this what growing up is?

i wanted to move out and i did. i wanted to be financially independent and i am. i wanted to meet guys and i (slowly) am. there are a lot of things i wanted and i'm either doing them or i'm setting myself up to get to them. but now, while i'm sitting here thinking things through, i can't help but feel a little ... ."something".

i think it's lonliness. not the kinda lonliness about being single, it's a different kind of lonliness. there are reasons for this but i can't go over it now.

i shoudl go to bed. i hope i feel better tomorro morning. i feel like a complete idiot for writing this post, but hey this is how i feel right now.

kissing

2007-01-31T21:50:00.000+11:00

i've got a problem, and it's do with whether i'm meant to kiss other gay guys when i greet them. regardless of whether it's a peck on the cheek, on the lips, or on both cheeks, it's something that i'm still not used to.

my problem is that i've grown up with very conservative indian values. my parents have never kissed in front of me. hell, i don't think they've ever even held hands in front of me. in their culture it's just not something that's done. there's no need to show such overt signs of affection to others. you can do as much of that behind closed doors as you want.

throughout primary school and highschool greetings have always been a vocal thing for me: "hi", or "how's it goin" or "g'day". there was never any need to touch, kiss, or anything. you greet and then you go on to do whatever else. when i entered uni it was pretty much the same, except that some guys shook hands. this also took me a while to get use to because i wasn't something i normally did with mates.

over the last few years i've been getting a little more confident about my sexuality and i've met more gay guys. the problem is that most of them kiss when they greet. i've been going along with this in a half-guessed awkward kindof way. and oh GOD i hate those awkward moments. like this one guy in the convicts - i still don't know what the fuck i'm mean to do when i greet him. everytime we say hi we lean in, then there's that moment of "what-the-fuck-am-i-meant-to-do-ness" and as we both lean in for that split second one of us hugs while the other kisses. nervous laughter usually follows. fuck i hate that.

i'm still struggling with this kissing culture that seems to have suddenly surfaced on the australian landscape the moment i finished uni and officually entered the adult-world. it's not me. i can't do it genuinely. i feel like i'm putting on an act just to fit in with the norm, and that if i dont' do it i'm somehow restricting my chances of bonding with someone.

but fuck it. i'm an aussie guy with a conservative indian upbringing. from now on, every new guy and girl i meet is going to get the smile, the nod, the "nice to meet you". they're going to get the real me.

---

in other news, i met up with not so single guy tonight. it was great catching up with him one-on-one for once. dude, if you're reading this, i'll have to invite you over for dinner next time at my place when it's a little more err... cleaner =P

travelling to america

2007-01-30T11:39:00.000+11:00

at the end of the year (probably around september) i'll be taking a plunge into the unknown by travelling across the american continent.

i decided to do this about 2 years ago. at the time it seemed like everyone was travelling somewhere - mostly europe or asia. me, being the type to always do things differently, decided it would be the US.

i gotta admit i'm a little scared. i know nothing about that part of the world. i remember in high school there was this ad going around about "working in the US". me and my mates looked at each other and thought "US? yeah right! i don't want to get shot!". seriously, the only things i knew about the US at that time were drive-by shootings, highschool massacres, high crime rate, etc. it's stupid i know, but hey that's what TV showed me when i was 16.

i've never travelled on my own before. i'm dong this because i need to get out of sydney. as much as i love my city, there's so much more out there in the world that i need to see. it's been sortof a wish of mine to see the new york sky-line. i imagine it to be like the sydney skyline but multiplied by a factor or 20.

though i haven't set anything in stone the basic plan is to start south and head north. so i'll be landing in south-america to trek through the amazon. this is kinda been a childhood dream of mine. then, i may either head to mexico to check out the beaches, or go straight to the US. finally, i'll be in canada getting some snowboarding action done.

i'm looking forward mostly to the US and Canada. i honestly know nothing about south america so i might just skim through it and do the touristy stuff. while i'm in the US i'd love to meet people i've been reading up on for a while now: stevie, joey and gregor. i'd be great to catch up with you guys while i'm there. other then them, i know practically no one in the entire country. so i guess any advise on places to visit/avoid would be welcome.

work

2007-01-29T18:38:00.000+11:00

so it's no great secret that i've been a little busy lately. i've blogged very infrequently and it's because, and this is going to sound cliche, i've been busy with work. seriously, i've been working my arse off these past 3 weeks on a project that's reaching it's deadline next week.

it's funny though, because i've been thinking about things to write about during my work breaks or when i'm busy doing other stuff, but when it comes to actually sitting down here on my sofa and typing it, nothing comes to mind.

i guess i'll just have to take it easy and see how it all goes.

and while i'm on the subject of work, i'm in the middle of updating my resume. i realised that the only reason i'm still in this job is because i've had this fear that i'll never find another job better. that's bullshit. my dad's been sending me adverts from seek and there are a lot of jobs out there with my skillset and better pay.

it's time to make a move.

on the phone

2007-01-25T22:09:00.000+11:00

i tense up when i talk on the phone. i hate it.

regardless of whether i'm talking to my mum, a mate, or a complete stranger, i just can't relax when i'm on the phone. i'll say stupid shit that doesn't make sense, or i'll crack a joke that's just not funny in any possible way, or i'll stutter.

wtf is up with that? fuck i'm stupid ...

expectations

2007-01-24T22:56:00.000+11:00

i read an email today from the rugby team announcing that official training will be starting in about 3 weeks. when i read this i was happy, but at the same time i also felt this sinking feeling in my stomach.

i need to confess something: i'm afraid. of what? i didn't know till i actually sat down and thought about it.

you see, during the past year, everytime i had training or had to go play a game i'd be petrified. i'd get scared, and i mean really scared. without fail, the thought of going to training would mean my stomach would get upset, my jaws would get all tingly, my fingers would start shaking, i'd start getting all panicky. sometimes i'd even start coughing and getting feverish. i hate that feeling. i can't control it and i know it too well. i'd be driving to training and i'd be talking to myself telling myself to calm down while drivin with shaking hands. when i rocked up to training early i'd get even more nervous sitting there. i even had to go to the toilet coz my stomach would be that fucked up. if i rocked up late i'd panic that i'm missing out and that i've fallen behind.

those of you guys who've read my old blog would know how i get these panic attacks. it's not until recently that i've accepted that i have a problem and i need to do something about it. it's really affecting my health and my self-esteem.

initally, i started questioning why i got this feeling. was it because i didn't want to play rugby? was i scared of something? sure enough, i want to play rugby. sure enough, i enjoy it. but my problem is that when i decided that i was playing it i set up an expectation, and that's where it all went downhill.

i expected myself to enjoy it. i expected myself to get fit and built from it. i expected to end the year knowing that i can wear the uniform with pride. i expected a lot of things, and because of this i suffered. i became angry when i didn't progress as well as i'd expected myself to, i got depressed when i became sick and felt my progress slipping, and i got frustrated with each mistake. needless to say, looking back, i can now honestly say that no, i didn't have fun last year. there were a few good moments, but overall i should have loved the experience. i definitely could have, but i didn't let myself.

if i had a bad training session (i.e. - i made too many mistakes) i took it hard on myself and really felt like i was falling behind and that i needed extra practise. when it came to making friends and even falling for a guy i scolded myself saying that i didn't deserve any of that and i had to earn my place in the team. oh man... the list goes on and on and on about how insecure and negative i'd been.

i'm trying to change my attitude. i need to look forward to training and games, not dread them. it's a challenge, but i think i can do it.

what i need to is let go of expectations. i'm not going to be that certain someone by a certain month. to hell with expecting to have a certain body, skill level, fitness, social status, etc. i'll be putting the effort i can and i'm gonna bloody well enjoy it. whatever comes from that, well, we'll see.

secondly, training sessions shouldn't scare me, nor should i feel pressured in any way. they're not lectures leading up to a final exam. i need to enjoy each session as it comes and finish it off with a smile knowing that i had a bloody fantastic time learning a sport with a great bunch of people. if it's an easy session it doesn't mean that i need to balance it off by going to the gym tomorrow (don't ask).

it's little changes like these that i need to adopt in the way i think about things. it's not just about happiness and self-esteem, it's about my health.

i know i want to play rugby. i also want to do a lot of other things. but i need to stop building expectations, learn to enjoy myself and have faith that the rest will take care of itself. the next time i get one of those panic attacks, i hope i can remember all this for ammunition.

so fuckin hot

2007-01-21T22:50:00.000+11:00

the weather was insane today. was it the hottest day so far this summer? funny how december was all shitty and now it gets hot. hmm ...

i had an awesome time this weekend. i met up with friends, i ate heaps, and i got plenty of exercise.

on friday night i saw dreamgirls with peter and adrian. i thought ithe movie friggen rocked - and this is coming from someone who usually hates musicals (when i was a kid i'd watch merry poppins and fast-forward the songs). after the movie me and peter hung out at a cafe just chillin out and talking about stuff. i like doin that - just hangin out, having a conversation, relaxing. and peter's cool too.

i met up with shad today at a nearby park. i asked him to come along so that i could practice some tackling with him (rugby season's starting soon and i need all the practice i can get). it was fun but tiring at the same time, mainly because i'm still kinda sore from friday's training session, and also because of how rediculously hot it was today.

i love summer, so it sux that i have to go to work tomorrow. but i'm hoping it's gonna be as nice as it was today so that i can head to the beach afterwards. and speaking about work, i just realised i haven't ironed anything. fuck.

it has to be fun

2007-01-17T22:29:00.000+11:00

i've been stressing out lately.

i've been having moments of panic where i find my goals coliding against one another. i feel as if i need to make time to push myself towards the goals i've set for this year, only to find myself rushing, panicing, and above, not enjoying myself because i see negativity in one form or another.

i've been attempting to maintain a schedule of practicing my surfing 3 times a week. this hasn't been going too well because i've just not been enjoying it as much as i thought i would. the problem is that i've been forcing myself to stick to a schedule. it's part of my upbringing - that i need to work hard to achieve something, and that i should never quit something once i've committed to it. the problem with this mentality is that though i might achieve what i want, the cost is that i don't enjoy myself, and life becomes a rat-race. i don't want this. that sort of mentality is the way i used to think. that was the old gav: rushing, pushing, chasing, but never taking a moment to stand still and enjoy what he has. i'd get jealous at someone else's progress, and i'd get bitter and resentful if i have even the smallest set-backs.

i woke up this morning reminding myself that i need surf this evening. it was written in my diary. i didn't want to go. i just wasn't in the mood. but old habits kicked in and i forced myself to go. i didn't enjoy it. you can't force yourself to have fun.

letting go of fear is an important lesson i'm constantly relearning lately. i gave into fear today. there was the fear that i'll not be able to practice for another 4-5 days. there was the fear that i'll become unfit because of all the crap i ate yesterday (yes, i really did think that). there was the fear of not sticking to my plan and hence feeling like a failure. there was fear written all over me, and i gave in to it.

letting go of fear would have meant that i woke up this morning saying to myself that i won't go surfing and that i'll have to put it off for a few days having faith that i won't get rusty since i'm already quite fit. i would've spent the evening doing something else productive like my tai chi (bloody good exercise by the way), cooking something delecious, oreven watching an interesting DVD that i can talk to my friends about.

above all the goals i have for this year, number one is to enjoy myself. i forgot that goal today. no, i actually suppressed it. i realise now that none of my other goals matter if i'm not enjoying myself.

getting there sux

2007-01-16T19:53:00.000+11:00

i love the beach. i love everything about it: the sun, the sand, the ocean. i also love practicing my surfing. i love the exercise i get from it and i love the challenges.

all's good except for one thing: getting to the beach.

i don't live near a beach. i live in North Sydney CBD, which makes Manly my nearest beach. Manly is about a half n hour drive from me, plus the time it takes to find parking. On top of this there's the preparation: getting my surfboard in my car, wetsuit, towels, etc. Then there's all the stuff i need to do when i get back home such as washing my suit, washing myself, cleaning this, moving that, etc.

let's just say that it's a good hour and a half's worth of work in total just to get to and from the beach. i'm not enjoying this. when i finish work and say to myself that i should go surf the first thing i do is instinctively groan at the thought of getting all the preparation underway.

i've combatted this by actually packing everything i need the night before so that when i finish work i can just drive off straight away. this works, except that i forgot to do that last night so now i'm really, really pissed off.

i'm back

2007-01-16T19:46:00.000+11:00

apologies for the short break. i've been feeling a little strange lately.

it's not that i haven't attempted to blog lately, it's just that i can't. what does it mean when you struggle to write about something because you just can't get what you want to write about finished?

well, i'm hoping that that weird episode's over. normal blogging shall commence from now on.

no time

2007-01-10T22:13:00.000+11:00

gah!

i have so much i want to write about but i've got no fuckin time. i've been busy as hell - mostly at work, but i've promised myself i'll make time to write something soon.

work tomorrow

2007-01-07T22:14:00.000+11:00

i've had this week off from work as a mini holiday to relax and get some of my shit together. this week i've surfed, i've added more furniture to my place, i met up with friends, and i even started programming in a new language.

though i would absolutely love to have a few more days off, i kinda feel like it's time to get back into it; back to work; back to the 9 to 5 routine.

it's funny coz i had this vision in my mind that i'd spend this entire week relaxing and doing absolutely jack-all. it actually turned out to be the exact opposite - i was busy every single day doing all sort of shit i'd been putting off for months simply because i couldn't fit it in any other time. so although i didn't get to relax as much as i could have, i'll at least be worrying ans stressing a lot less in the days to come.

holidays are bloody important. i'm gonna have a word to my boss to see how much leave i've got remaining. i think i'll start allocating holidays evenly spaced throughout the year, just so that i have gaps like these to look forward to.

close mates

2007-01-06T02:32:00.000+11:00

i'm not feeling too well right now. i feel lonely, and i also feel hopeless.

one of my very close friends is currently overseas. him and i have only been friends for the past few months, but i already count him as one of my closest mates. i received an email a few days ago from him saying that he might not return to sydney anytime soon because of some work he's found there.

there's another close friend of mine who was my best mate in uni. we'd stay over at each others' places, go on long drives, talk about random shit for hours, or just hang out and do nothing. i just don't see him anymore these days, and when i do we just don't relate the way we used to. it's hard to explain, but i feel as if the bond we had when we were younger seems to have vanished.

another friend of mine's changed completely. i won't go into details because it's a bit complicated. basically, he used to be my rock - someone who'd be there to listen to my problems, help me out and be the older "wiser" one. our roles have changed recently where i'm now the rock helping him out with his problems. on the one hand it's interesting being the one listening and advising, but on the other hand it feels like the rock i had has been replaced by someone else.

what i'm getting at is that i'm feeling insanely insecure right now. yes, i have friends, but it's the type of friendship i had with my closest friends that i miss. i feel like i have no close friends, and close friends aren't easy to come by.

i almost wish the first guy was here so that i can talk to him, hang out with him, argue with him. i almost wish i had all those problems i had all those years back just so that i can recreate my friendship with the second guy i mentioned. i almost wish i had all the problems i had until just 2 months ago so that i can bring back the rock i had in my third friend.

almost.

surf in progress

2007-01-04T09:25:00.000+11:00

so i basically have this entire week off from work to go surfing. so far i've made good progress. nothing fancy like being able to stand up on the board or anything, but i'm learning more and more as i go along.

right now i've got one major sticky area: paddling. to get to where the good waves are I need to paddle right out into the ocean. the problem is that my shoulders are usually the first to give since i'm not used to working those muscles. it's already quite a balancing act making sure you don't fall off the board while the currents move you up and down. maintaining this while you're paddling and dodging waves makes it something else altogether.

but i'm getting better at it. i can sit on my board out in the ocean without falling off most of the times except when a massive wave comes in (hey i'm not a pro surfer just yet!). i also found the key to paddling faster this morning too.

with time and practice i'll be standing very soon. i'll be going again tomorrow morning. i'm hoping the conditions will be as good as they were today.

new start

2007-01-03T23:29:00.001+11:00

following what gregor did, i backed up all my previous blog posts on my laptop and have decided to restart this blog from a clean slate.

i'm not the same person i was when i started this blog. i've changed drastically, and people have even said this to me. so having those old posts just a click away just doesn't sit right with me.

so here's to 2007!